I’ve been on holidays so I haven’t posted for a bit, but a conversation with a friend got me thinking about this phenomenon that I’ve experienced, and others have as well. I’m not a psychologist but I do like to delve into the whys and wherefores of the human psyche and some life experience has taught me a few things about the way we think and behave.
Sculpture Niobe (1951) by Constant Permeke in sculpture park Kröller-Müller Museum
The Outsider Syndrome is my name for the feeling that you don’t belong, no matter what. That somehow, even if you’re doing the same activity as everyone else, that you just don’t fit in or they know you are different. Sometimes the feeling is real and sometimes it is our own perception.
My feelings of being an outsider began (as I suspect they did for many of us) in childhood. When church was something everyone did, we didn’t attend (except for a brief spate) and this was still when we recited the Lord’s Prayer in elementary school. The teacher would ask us what we did in Sunday school that weekend and I felt different because I couldn’t answer the question. It made me embarrassed, and as a child I was quite shy. Shyness and being picked on because of it did not help with the Outsider feeling.
I also came from a home where my parents divorced at a time when most of my friends had both parents at home. So yes, I felt different there too. I’m sure there are studies that show people have this Outsider feeling if they are teased, are shy, have broken homes, or are somehow different from the crowd. And of course there are psychological or personality dispositions to all of these feelings.
I felt different for various reasons but those were the ones that shaped me. I felt different because my body wasn’t quite in the norm as everyone else’s, that I was poorer than many of my friends, that I somehow didn’t relate. At times I’ve realized that other people, almost everyone, is different or unique in their own way. In that essence we are all outsiders trying to fit in to the social organism.
This weekend I was at an event, a group that might just be made up of Outsiders; people who find the norm boring, who might be more strongly individualistic, who might like to roleplay, who might geek out over medieval history and things of the Middle Ages. It’s called the Society for Creative Anachronism and it has its share of social misfits as well as artisans practicing crafts that were once done hundreds of years ago. I haven’t been to these events for a while so I was feeling like an outsider again, not quite fitting into the whole game. Another friend was there who hadn’t been at an event in about eight years. He too felt even more acutely than me that he didn’t belong. People go on with their current interests and they’re not sure how to fit you back into their lives either.
This feeling isn’t particular to one group but any established group to which a new person tries to belong may cause this feeling. People like to stay with the familiar and if someone you don’t know walks up to your group you might completely ignore them, and continue talking to your friends. You might turn your back, making a circle and physically excluding them. We are inclusive…of those we know but we can exclude too without realizing it. If the group or event is one meant for people to meet, share and mingle something as small as turning slightly away can cause a person to move off and feel alone.
The world is rife with stories of Outsiders and sometimes they choose to be so. As I entered art college with all those other people who try to push boundaries, move beyond the envelope and think outside the box I found I fit in, because there were many like minds. At the same time I began to embrace my otherness. If people are going to treat me as other or different, than I shall choose to like my difference and be proud of it. People in the arts and sciences are often moving beyond the norm in trying to explore new things or make over old ones.
Being an Outsider can be an isolating experience. If you find there is a new person in your social or working group, or someone who lives farther out, then a little extra attention can help both of you transition and fit in. Long ago, when I moved to Vancouver with a turquoise streak in my hair, a woman who I worked with took a chance to move past the preconception about people who did such things to their hair and got to know me, becoming a very long-term friend. If you’re feeling an Outsider too, even if you have chosen it in some way, it may be harder to find people accepting, but being open and receptive can eliminate that feeling of being alone. Outsiders really are just people you do not yet know
Colleen Anderson 
Thank you very much for well-written and thought-provoking article which is indeed relevant and worth referring too.
Wow that is on point of myself..I never thought anyone felt this way but me..i write songs about my feelings and people would laugh and make fun of me for what i am..Thank you for this cause now i know im not alone and the only one feeling this way..i’ve been this way since childhood too..so shy teachers told my mom i might be alil slow and sured be in special ed..which they did and i was a A honor role cause of it..Well written and true to my heart..
You don’t even have to be shy to have this feeling. 🙂
Wow everything you said about broken homes, divorced, teased, different culture, I was all of those things.
I’m an art major too and especially in a big group setting where everyone is getting along I feel like the outsider looking in.
If you were my friend you probably couldn’t tell I feel this way because I am outgoing, but I am just not fluent in group settings with strangers. This is most likely bring attributed to relentlessly “teased” (more like bullied, teased makes light of it) as a kid growing up in another country.
I was never an outsider as a child, never felt it but ever since secondary school the last two years ive felt outcasted a lot and its not because i had to make new friends. They were my friends, suppose they still are but in the last two years everyone has their own circle and despite being together as a class, i feel like an outcast like i cant even talk to some of my friends that i was close to, i think they get the feeling that i dont like them or im stuck up…. I dont know how i becamso shy and insecure but its terrible. You feel uninvited, outcasted…alone.
I enjoyed reading your article. I have been labelled a loner & yes different. I find that I do not enjoy large social groups. I am an empath & take on others feelings!
I hear you. Empathy cannot do social scenes well. They r exhausting.
I think childhood molestation contributes alot.
You are definitely not an outcast and never was. Outcasts are people who relate to no one whatsoever. The words ‘outcast’ and ‘friend’ just don’t go together. Outcasts have no friends. They stay on their own and don’t mix with anyone at any event. They don’t attend anything in a group.
Wow you’ve hit the nail on the head with this article.
Thank you!
I’m 32 and I feel like feeling like an “outsider” is so inappropriate for my age. How did I get here? I should have a good bit of established friends by now, but I don’t. I can’t feel further away from connecting, not solely because of Covid. I felt this way before the epidemic. I’m a stay home parent which doesn’t help and I’ve gone off social media like Facebook because of the disconnect. Now I feel completely lost. I wish there was a good old fashioned way of meeting new people.
I too am an outsider. I have some friends and make them laugh, but I got depression, so I feel like I just can’t humanly connect with anyone (I may have Asperger’s tbh), and I’m just a playing a part. The “real me” nobody would like, so I keep it sequestered and cover it up with humour. I relate to the world like a serial killer – behind a mask, telling ppl what they want to hear- even though I don’t want to kill anybody except for the asshole looking at me in the mirror occasionally. Bullied a lot as a kid, by my addict dad a lot as well; just kind of internalized it. I am the Lurker At The Threshold. In truth I hold your society and your world of corporate plasticity beneath contempt, and it’s hard to fake it sometimes. I get lonely, but sometimes I think it’s for the best I stay away. I have two equal and opposite drives: avoidance and approach. Dr. Zaius had the straight of it.
I just heard a radio program where they said there is a strong link between feeling like an outsider and having autism. I looked up the testing questions but I don’t fit the other areas. You might want to check this out. https://www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-63-the-current/clip/15911569-changing-stigma-around-autism-diagnosis-adults And note that whether you like it or not, it’s our world and our society. You’re not a plant nor an alien, even if you fee like one. We’re often dichotomous.