Sex: Pucker Power

Today I’m cheating. One, I’m trying to apply for another grant and have to get it done this week. And two, I’m curious as to why this post never got many hits. It had that all powerful word “sex” in it but that didn’t seem to work. Maybe it’s because it was only about kissing. Maybe it’s because my blog was new at that point.

kiss, kissing, sloppy kisses, baby kisses, sex, dating, humor

Baby kisses are best from babies. Creative Commons: chippenziedeutch, flickr

Over the years I’ve had the pleasure and sometimes unfortunately, revulsion, of kissing a fair number of men. I once, long ago, agreed to be a kissing judge in the SCA. I believe they placed an air mattress in the middle of the field and the guys came and kissed one by one. The same was set up for the male judge. It was an enlightening and mostly grueling experience. Young gamer, SCA geeks were the ones that signed up. In the end I believe the judges found each other to be the best kissers. :D

A kiss can be a great turn-on and the beginning of good foreplay. It’s an essential part of dating, of sex and really, of any relationship. There are some people who don’t like to kiss. I can understand that if a person has bad teeth/breath but it’s such a part of turning a person on that without it, one has to work a lot harder in all the other areas.

A bad kiss can be a turn-off to the rest of a sexual experience. If I find someone a repulsive kisser, I’m going to be hesitant to go farther than kissing them. So, as to men, they can pretty much be put into categories. (I’m sure women can be too.) Kisses really should vary and some of the below moves in small dosages can work well. An overwhelming preponderance for one style, or lack of variety makes some of these kisses truly disgusting, and many boring.

THE VACUUM
This usually involves the man clamping his lips to yours, lamprey style. He then tries to suction your tongue out of your body. Sometimes he won’t get as far as the tongue but will suction your lips off. You’re lucky to get away with light bruising and not look like a victim of zombiehood.

THE SLUG
I would prefer the Vacuum over the Slug. This one will either kiss by squishing his face into yours or tossing his tongue into your mouth. I say face, because for all intents and purposes the lips are not alive. You have to do all the work. Should the slug let the slimy protuberance of his tongue into your mouth it will lay there like a slug, wet and …oh sorry. Slugs are more animated but kinda slimy and disgusting no matter what.

THE SLOBBERER

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Maybe it’s best to leave the slobbery kisses to the dogs. Creative Commons: jsrcyclist, flickr

This one is evident and can sometimes be combined with the Slug that lies in your mouth. Usually the lips are animated but the aim is bad and the tongue is of an overly moist humor. You’ll end up with drool sliding down your chin, over cheeks and up your nose. Sloppy kisses can be fun from time to time but you shouldn’t have to worry that you’re going to drown.

THE BABY
You know how cute babies are when they’re suckling and if they’re hungry their little open mouths seem to blindly search for something to suckle? (Maybe I should call this the sandworm.) Well it’s not so cute with men. You see this huge gaping maw coming your way and you’re not sure you’ll get out alive. The mouth will usually encompass yours and your lips too. It may just lay there like a black hole. I’m inclined to yodel to see if I can get echoes.

THE BOARD
These guys think that kissing involves keeping their lips in a tight rictus over their teeth. Again, there will be little true interaction with your lips. They kiss by opening and closing their mouths because their lips rarely move. You’ll have to do all the work with these mannequins.

THE PROBER
Some men think their tongues are penises. They’ll ram that stiff sucker into your mouth and keep jamming it back and forth. There will be little to no exploration of the teeth and sometimes these guys combine with the Baby. You’re lucky if you get a kiss on the lips to begin with and you’ll rarely get a chance to give a reciprocal kiss unless you forcefully push the probe back out.

THE PUDDING
Puddin’ lips can be kinda nice. They may have skills with the tongue but the lips (and sometimes the tongue), although animated, may lack any muscle. When you kiss them you might sink into them. They’re not all bad and depends if they combine with other good types.

THE CHOMPER
Teeth is what the Chomper is all about, which, as we know, is not all bad. Unless it’s all teeth. Biting the lips (gently) can be fun but slamming one’s teeth into lips that have teeth on the other side is painful and cutting. Something soft between two hard surfaces usually gets squished.

THE MUSCLE
These guys put muscle into their kisses. Their lips and tongues are animated and alive and have some resistance. Too much muscle however, can become a workout and hard to give any reciprocal kisses.

As in all these styles, the best one is a versatile one, where both kissers have a chance to explore. Your mileage may vary. Some people might prefer a particular style only and that’s fine. Kisses can be sweet, they can be sexy and they can be downright hot. And remember, when you’re kissing, don’t forget that the whole body is ripe for the puckering.

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1 Comment

Filed under Culture, entertainment, humor, relationships, sex, Writing

One response to “Sex: Pucker Power

  1. I’ll have you know I’ve been giggling so loudly when reading through this that several nearby people have stopped to give me ‘looks’ (mostly confused ones). Thanks for the laugh! :D

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